Some one-liners that might evoke a facepalm, a smirk, or even a :small_smile:, or none of those things

  • SpinRite v6.1 Release #3
    The 3rd release of SpinRite v6.1 is published and may be obtained by all SpinRite v6.0 owners at the SpinRite v6.1 Pre-Release page. (SpinRite will shortly be officially updated to v6.1 so this page will be renamed.) The primary new feature, and the reason for this release, was the discovery of memory problems in some systems that were affecting SpinRite's operation. So SpinRite now incorporates a built-in test of the system's memory. For the full story, please see this page in the "Pre-Release Announcements & Feedback" forum.
  • Be sure to checkout “Tips & Tricks”
    Dear Guest Visitor → Once you register and log-in please checkout the “Tips & Tricks” page for some very handy tips!

  • BootAble – FreeDOS boot testing freeware

    To obtain direct, low-level access to a system's mass storage drives, SpinRite runs under a GRC-customized version of FreeDOS which has been modified to add compatibility with all file systems. In order to run SpinRite it must first be possible to boot FreeDOS.

    GRC's “BootAble” freeware allows anyone to easily create BIOS-bootable media in order to workout and confirm the details of getting a machine to boot FreeDOS through a BIOS. Once the means of doing that has been determined, the media created by SpinRite can be booted and run in the same way.

    The participants here, who have taken the time to share their knowledge and experience, their successes and some frustrations with booting their computers into FreeDOS, have created a valuable knowledgebase which will benefit everyone who follows.

    You may click on the image to the right to obtain your own copy of BootAble. Then use the knowledge and experience documented here to boot your computer(s) into FreeDOS. And please do not hesitate to ask questions – nowhere else can better answers be found.

    (You may permanently close this reminder with the 'X' in the upper right.)


Well-known member
Sep 30, 2020
Disclaimer: I mean no offense whatsoever with any of these, all of which I've sourced from elsewhere...

Observation: Three out of four people make up 75% of the world's population.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Corollary: does not apply to a program written by @Steve Gibson.​

The JavaScript developer was sad because he didn't Node how to Express himself.

Trees access the internet... you guessed it: by logging in!


Seen on T-shirts, greeting cards, pins, etc. (

I can EXPLAIN it to you, but I can't UNDERSTAND it for you.

I don't have birthdays... I level up!

$125/hr IF YOU WATCH.​
$150/hr IF YOU HELP.​

software engineer n. Amazing person who applies the principles of software engineering in magical way. Synonyms: sorcerer, wizard, magician


I won't bother to type and cite these, five pick-up lines each for 10 types of enthusiasts (e.g. computers, astronomy, chemistry, Star Wars, etc.):

bestlifeonline says, "Hilarious and silly [quick] jokes never go out of style. If your sense of humor tends to lean to the goofy side of things, don't be ashamed. Everyone loves a good crowdpleaser—that's why we call them that! So read on for [57] of our favorite groaner jokes, and don't forget to pass them on to your[...]friends."

That's what I'm doing: passing them on, because even nerds can laugh (or groan) at jokes which aren't necessarily recreation for nerds (I thought numbers 8 and 56 were tolerable, and 28 was nearly so. Maybe I'm developing a sort of sense for goofy humor; I smiled and laughed a little at #29 as I was scanning the list! Jumping straight to it doesn't do it for me, though... maybe it was reading them en masse that worked for me.):

  1. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
  2. I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
  3. What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.
  4. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
  5. Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
  6. Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.
  7. Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
  8. I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
  9. What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
  10. I was once kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
  11. Got a PS5 for my little brother. Best trade I've ever done!
  12. What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
  13. I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!
  14. When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils…they dilate.
  15. A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.
  16. You know there's no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.
  17. I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.
  18. What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.
  19. Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back? He was dead-lifting.
  20. I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, "Why did the chicken cross the road!?" It was a running joke.
  21. Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies.
  22. How does a squid go into battle? Well-armed.
  23. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
  24. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
  25. A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled … cheese." The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a bear!"
  26. What's E.T. short for? Because he's got little legs.
  27. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
  28. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.
  29. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're on the other side!"
  30. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
  31. What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.
  32. "I stand corrected!" said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
  33. I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.
  34. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  35. Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for decades.
  36. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things so literally.
  37. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
  38. A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, "Do you want an aquarium?" The guy responds, "I don't care what star sign it is!"
  39. What do you call bears with no ears? B–
  40. What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
  41. Exaggerations have become an epidemic. They went up by a million percent last year.
  42. And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
  43. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
  44. What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack.*
  45. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! Wait…
  46. Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
  47. I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
  48. What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You're looking sharp.
  49. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
  50. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
  51. I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
  52. Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
  53. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
  54. What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A maybe.
  55. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu—you get what you deserve.
  56. Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know, and I don't really care.
  57. What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
[end (whew!)]
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Why do elephants wear sneakers? So they can climb trees.
Why do elephants jump out of trees? To test out their new sneakers.
Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle between 2 and 4 in the afternoon? That's when elephants are jumping out of trees.
Why are pygmies so short? They went into the jungle between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.

Why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out jungle fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? From stomping out burning ducks.

Sorry, I had a book of elephant jokes in grade school and memorized most of them.
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